Children will avoid expending energy on tasks for all sorts of reasons, whether they think they’re boring, irrelevant or frustrating, or they want to protect their ego or feel pressure to perform. Although it can be easy to engage in a battle of wills, here are seven more productive ways that caregivers can help children overcome their own resistance and accomplish hard things.
Focus on autonomy, meaning and progress
When people have autonomy, believe their work has meaning, and feel as if they’re making progress, they’re more likely to have a positive inner work life, said Teresa Amabile, a professor at Harvard Business School and co-author of “The Progress Principle: Using Small Wins to Ignite Joy, Engagement, and Creativity at Work.” “I’m pretty confident the same things apply to parenting,” Amabile said.
Similarly, you can help your child find meaning in tasks. If they can’t see why doing their math homework matters, you might say, “ ‘The more practice you get, the more your brain will be able to do this stuff automatically,’ ” Amabile said.
Get a ‘battle buddy,’ and reduce pressure
If something feels too risky to your children, suggest they partner with a friend. They can “try out for a team together or go to the first ballet or judo lesson together,” said Nate Zinsser, director of the Performance Psychology Program at the U.S. Military Academy and author of “The Confident Mind: A Battle-Tested Guide to Unshakable Performance.” If the resistance relates to schoolwork, they can get a “study buddy.”
Focus on joy, and leverage imagination
Prioritize joy and progress over achievement and ability, Zinsser said. “Why does a kid play baseball in the first place? It’s fun to swing the bat and hit the ball and run around the bases,” he says. “They won’t have good success in winning the game unless [they] enjoy building the skills, and that’s building on the broader joy of playing in the first place.”
Remind them that everyone has to start somewhere, especially if they’re opting out of a risk because they don’t think they stack up to their peers.
Work with them, not on them
Understand your child’s ambivalence, said Ned Johnson, president of PrepMatters and co-author of “What Do You Say?”
Stay calm, try to understand, listen and explore their options, Johnson said. “You might say, ‘It makes sense to me that you want to put your efforts elsewhere, and I can also see some reasons why it might be worth your trying to do this work. If you decide to do it, I’m happy to help you in any way that I can.’ ”
Model positivity and proactive behavior
Let your child see you doing things you don’t want to do, said psychologist Mary Alvord, founder and president of Resilience Across Borders, a nonprofit that aims to help children build resilience. “They’re not going to love every teacher, subject or activity, but if they’re zooming in on the negative, ask: ‘What are some things that are positive or just okay?’ ”
Excerpted from “7 Ways Parents Can Help Kids Persist at Tasks They Resist” in The Washington Post. Read the full article online for details on the above and the remaining tips.
Source: The Washington Post | 7 Ways Parents Can Help Kids Persist at Tasks They Resist, https://www.washingtonpost.com/parenting/2022/03/15/7-ways-parents-can-help-kids-persist-tasks-they-resist | © 2022 The Washington Post. Last reviewed October 2024.
