by Amy DiLaura, CHC Marketing Manager
“How are you doing?” It’s a common question; one that we often ask out of habit without really expecting someone to answer in a deep way. If a friend tells you they’re fine, that might be the end of the story. They’re good! Nothing new to report! They’re truly ok.
But sometimes the response can signal that the person you’re talking to needs help or support. If you know something stressful or challenging is going on in their life, or if you notice a significant change in their affect, energy level, or desire to engage in social activities, these could be clues that something deeper is going on. And you might need to take a closer look at their answer of, “I’m fine.”
Interpreting What They Really Mean
Pardis Khosravi, PsyD, licensed psychologist and Clinical Director at CHC’s Catherine T. Harvey Center for Clinical Services, shares how to decode common answers to the question, “How are you doing?”
When someone says, “I’m fine.”
“‘I’m fine,’ is a routine response we give to being asked how we are doing when we do not want to share how we are truly feeling,” says Dr. Khosravi. “Someone who says they’re fine may be struggling but hesitant to share their challenges. This could be an indicator of underlying stress, anxiety, or emotional distress.”
When someone says, “I’m just taking it one day at a time.”
“This may suggest that a person is grappling with difficulties or uncertainties and needs understanding and support to navigate through their challenges,” Dr. Khosravi says. “Sometimes a person may say this as a way of dipping their toe in the water to see how it is received, to determine whether or not they want to share more.”
When someone says, “I’m not sleeping well.”
Dr. Khosravi explains that sleep disturbances can be a sign of heightened stress, anxiety, or even depression. “If someone tells you they’re not sleeping well, this could be a subtle plea for understanding and support.”
When someone says, “I’m just tired.”
“I’ve often heard clients say this when someone comments on them appearing stressed or sad,” says Dr. Khosravi. “They’ll avoid answering the question directly by saying “Oh, I’m just tired” when actually, they could benefit from support but don’t want to ask for it directly.”
When someone says, “I can’t concentrate lately.”
This could also be a call for support. “Difficulty focusing may indicate underlying stress, anxiety, or mental health concerns,” Dr. Khosravi explains.
Concerned? Here’s a way to offer help.
Dr. Khosravi suggests that instead of saying, “Is there anything I can do to help?” offering a specific type of support can make it easier for someone to accept.
“I might say to a friend, ‘I’m going to the store; can I pick anything up for you?’ or ‘I have some free time this weekend; would you like to grab coffee Saturday afternoon?’ Making the offer of help specific and tangible communicates support in a way that respects the person’s autonomy and may make it easier for them to accept help when they’re ready.”
In a world where everyone is busy and overwhelmed, it’s crucial to make time to connect with those around us. By paying attention to the nuances in how people respond to “How are you doing?”, we can offer meaningful support and potentially make a significant difference in someone’s life. Remember, sometimes the most important thing you can do is simply be there and show that you care.
Check out these articles in the CHC library to learn more about depression and how you can help:
Depression
Parent’s Guide to Helping Teens With Depression
Dr. Pardis Khosravi is a clinical director and licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in conducting comprehensive psychological evaluations and providing evidence-based psychotherapy to children, adolescents and transitional aged youth. She is passionate about psychological assessment as a tool to best understand each child’s strengths and weaknesses to empower the child and their family to utilize their strengths to increase resiliency and optimize academic, social and emotional functioning.
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