Setting boundaries can be a tricky part of parenting. And then there’s the maintenance! Depending on parenting style, some of us find the important work of establishing and maintaining limits easier to attend to than others. But as much as we might prefer to head outside and paint the garden fence, behavioral boundaries need our attention.
The challenge can be figuring out just how to go about setting boundaries that are firm, fair and effective. So, let’s take a closer look at what boundaries for our younger children are all about, and how we can best use them for the intended purpose of keeping kids safe (and parents sane!)
Why bother with boundaries?
Boundaries are actions we take to keep our kids safe and healthy. As Dr Kennedy points out, they are part of the parenting job description because it’s our responsibility to make decisions that are good for our child’s well-being, both in the short- and long-term.
Our children may think that tablespoons of Nutella make for a nutritious dinner, but we are the adults and we have more information. Likewise, our children may not agree that carseats and seatbelts are necessary; that they always need to wear their lifejacket on Poppa’s boat; or that meeting BruisedKnuckles65, who they recently connected with online, at the skatepark is a risky idea… but as adults, we need to hold the line in the interests of safety.
We are not asking the child to be happy about, agree or comply with the boundary. We are simply telling the child what we will do. That’s it.
What’s the best approach?
Firstly, the tone of our delivery is important when we’re discussing boundaries with our kids – clear, calm and firm is the goal.
Secondly, let’s talk wording. The way we structure a boundary, i.e. the language we use to define action and responsibility, can make a big difference to our parenting interactions.
We are not asking the child to be happy about, agree or comply with the boundary. We are simply telling the child what we will do. That’s it.
Reasons – within reason!
Supply a WHY – this really helps with buy-in. And, spoiler alert, it shouldn’t be “Because I said so!”
Aim to give your kids a simple reason as to why you are setting and/or maintaining a boundary. This isn’t about inviting our child into debate over our reasons or having to justify our rule. Rather, it’s about the fact that simple explanations help our kids learn.
Let’s have a look at boundary setting in real life (well, in these hypothetical parenting scenarios at least). See if you can hear the difference between the following statements:
“Hey! Turn the iPad off! You know the rules – you’re not allowed on the iPad before 4PM!” (Exasperated tone, annoyance that the child is not being obedient, not sure how to get the message through.. Often parents end up pleading or exploding.)
Vs…
“It’s not your iPad time right now. We know screen time is quite addictive, so in our family we don’t turn the iPad on whenever we feel like it. I am going to put it away until it’s your screen time.” (Calm tone, parent is feeling in charge.)
In the initial response, the parent was telling the child what to do rather than explaining what they, the parent, were going to do. This means the boundary depends on the child’s obedience. What can then soon result is a conflict/ power struggle, and parents can also feel helpless – they are dependent on the child agreeing to comply.
In the second approach, however, the focus is on what the parent is going to do. It isn’t a command – it’s simply stating what’s going to happen. This is more empowering for the parent and communicates more clearly to your child where the line is.
As a parent or caregiver, your goal is to raise your children to be healthy, happy, successful adults, but the road to get there is filled with twists and turns. Check out our article on parent coaching— type of therapy where parents and caregivers learn how to use specific skills and strategies to address behavioral challenges and/or support their child’s development.
Let’s look at another example:
“That movie doesn’t sound appropriate for a bunch of kids your age! I can’t believe they are showing that movie! Can’t you convince your friend to watch another one?” (Parent is pleading with the child to see their perspective, and to fight this battle for them with their peer.)
Vs…
“I won’t let you go to that sleepover because they are watching a movie for mature audiences and you are only twelve. I know you are feeling left out, but I am not comfortable with it. Sorry bud.” (Parent is empathetic, but firm that this is not in the child’s best interests.)
The power of a reframe
Sometimes it takes a bit of work to re-word how we express boundaries – it can even feel like mental gymnastics! But, give it a go. Stating what we will do, rather than what our child can’t do, is a much more confident way to set a boundary. You are not pleading with your child to comply, you are just telling them where the boundary is. Ultimately this creates security for our kids who feel more secure when they know their parents are in charge.
The lines between safe and unsafe, healthy and unhealthy aren’t always something we can tangibly see, especially if we’re a child or young person with limited life experience! As parents, we need to help our kids clearly understand where the boundaries lie. At the end of the day, setting boundaries for our kids is our job as parents, and we do this because we love them.
Excerpted from “How to set boundaries that actually work” by Parenting Place. Read the full article online.
Source: Parenting Place | How to set boundaries that actually work, https://parentingplace.nz/resources/how-to-set-boundaries-that-actually-work | © 2024 Parenting Place Charitable Trust
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