At its core, consent is an idea that many learn as early as preschool — the notion that we should respect one another’s boundaries, in order to be safe, preserve dignity, and build healthy relationships.
For middle school or high school students, discussions around consent will, in part, involve sexuality, but for younger students, the conversation is different. Teaching them about consent can help keep them safe from child predators, but it can also be about simpler things, like whether they want to play a game or get a hug from a classmate — laying the groundwork for an understanding of sexual relationships much later on, as well as ensuring a safer classroom environment in the present.
Usable Knowledge spoke to educators and researchers, as well as identified resources, on the best ways to discuss consent with different age groups, compiling their ideas into the following strategies for talking about consent with students in early education, elementary school, middle school, and high school:
Early Education
Develop a shared vocabulary, says Gideon Kahn, who has taught in preschools in California and New York. Use a “consistent and clear” vocabulary with students around the concept of consent, — simple words like body, space, and touch.
Lay the social-emotional groundwork. A lot of early education, Kahn says, is centered around giving kids the social-emotional skills to thrive, and these naturally dovetail with the concept of consent and respect.
Teach kids that it’s OK to express hurt. Listen to children and check in with them about their emotions. Too often, adults try to discourage students from showing sadness, anger, or discomfort, Junlei Li, a professor at the Harvard Graduate School of Education, says, but learning to identify those emotions can help them advocate for themselves when they’re hurt, as well as develop empathy and recognize similar emotions in other children and adults when their actions are making others uncomfortable.
Model consent and empower students. Of course, some of consent is skill-based: learning to simply ask questions about what behavior or actions are appropriate. “Would you rather a hug or a high-five?” Give children agency over what is age-appropriate, like what snack to have, or what to read at story time.
At its core, consent is an idea that many learn as early as preschool — the notion that we should respect one another’s boundaries, in order to be safe, preserve dignity, and build healthy relationships.
Elementary school
Break down what consent is. In third grade, “we’re not going to be having conversations about sex and sexual harassment, but there are things all students need to understand about boundaries,” says Liz Kleinrock, who teaches at Citizens of the World Charter School Silver Lake, in Los Angeles.
Respect and discuss what students already know. Kleinrock’s students already had insight into where consent comes into play, beyond touching or physical space — questions such as, do you have permission to share something that someone told you in secret? (In a later lesson, students differentiated between secrets that are more like “surprises” and secrets that might mean a friend is in danger and shouldn’t be kept from grown-ups.)
Focus on tone of voice. Elementary students are old enough to understand nuance and to learn that tone of voice and body language are as important as the words being said. “I want students to know at a very early age that they have the right to lay down boundaries,” she says.
Learn more about building connections rooted in respect, empathy, and mutual support in our podcast about fostering healthy relationships.
Keep the conversation going. Kleinrock didn’t stop teaching about consent after her lesson gained wide popularity. “It’s not effective as a one-off lesson,” she says. She continues to give students opportunities to practice voicing concern and giving consent — or not.
Middle school
Remember that it’s a confusing time and that students might be hearing about sex and relationships from unreliable sources. Starting in middle school, students might hear about sex and relationships from their peers, or from the internet. And that can be confusing. In a health education context, remind them that it’s OK to ask questions from adults they trust.
Start defining what sexual harassment is. Schneider and her students talk through scenarios in which an adult bothers a child, and a child bothers another child. The emphasis, Schneider says, stays the same as it does with younger children: “Nobody gets to touch you without your permission” — and you should be respectful of others’ boundaries, as well.
Emphasize the importance of talking with a trusted adult. “At this age, some students think, ‘Well adults just don’t understand,’” Schneider says. “I remind my students, though, that for teachers and parents, it’s our job to keep them safe” and that if they have an interaction they’re uncomfortable with, with either a peer or an adult, they should tell an adult who they trust.
Begin talking about romantic relationships. Kids might not be dating in middle school, but they’re likely at least to be thinking about it. “We talk about how if two partners are going to do something, they have to agree to do it together,” be it holding hands or kissing, or even just talking, says Schneider. She also has kids practice responses when enforcing their own boundaries, so they have an internal script to follow when the need arises.
High school
Asking consent isn’t just for straight boys. Most victims of sexual assault are women, and most perpetrators are men, and it’s likely that heterosexual boys are getting more pressure to coerce girls into sex than the other way around. However, the authors of a report from Making Caring Common, a project at HGSE, emphasize that all teens, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, can benefit from thinking deeply about how to engage with boundaries in relationships in an ethical, caring manner.
Talk about consent and alcohol. By high school, students should be aware of the role alcohol or other mind-altering substances plays in consent. Remember that talking about drinking is separate from encouraging drinking. Deep thinking about the ethics of sexual encounters and alcohol from the safe space of a classroom will help guide students’ decision-making in real life.
Excerpted from “Consent at Every Age” in Usable Knowledge, a newsletter from the Harvard Graduate School of Education. Read the full article online.
Source: Harvard Graduate School of Education | Consent at Every Age, https://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/usable-knowledge/18/12/consent-every-age | ©2025 President and Fellows of Harvard College
