Helicopter, bulldozer, snowplow, tugboat, Velcro, tiger, and now drone—these are all the deprecatory labels that we use to describe today’s overinvolved, and sometimes aggressive, parents. Throughout two decades as a school counselor, I have witnessed these child-rearing styles and many others. I am not a fan of such pejorative terms, as the reality is, parents love their children. It is this love, and the hopes and fears it ignites, that drive parents’ actions.
I help students and parents navigate these hopes and fears, and manage expectations and relationships that can become charged amidst the complicated dynamics of applying to college and planning for life beyond high school. As the parent of a high school senior who will in two weeks learn if he has been admitted to his top choice of colleges, this all looks and feels very different.
I turned to the experts who have researched, worked with, and written about parents to offer some wisdom for families facing college admission decisions.
Psychotherapist Lynn Lyons is a co-author of “Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous & Independent Children,” says, “As early acceptances and rejections begin to arrive, we need to be keenly aware of the dangerous message that there is one path to success, that these decisions—made by an institution that doesn’t even know your child—define a teen’s future.”
Jessica Lahey, author of the New York Times bestselling book, “The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed” and “The Addiction Inoculation: Raising Healthy Kids in a Culture of Dependence” is also the mother of a high school senior who is awaiting a decision from an early application. Her older son is about to graduate from college and is attending his second-choice school. Lahey says, “It’s turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to him. He was dead set on his early decision school, so excited about it, and when he was rejected, he was devastated.” She explains that “once he started focusing on his other choices, he found that his second choice was actually a better fit.”
Denise Pope is one of the founders of Challenge Success, a nonprofit organization affiliated with the Stanford Graduate School of Education. She highlights two strategies for parents as they support their college applicants:
“We recommend that teens open emails from colleges in private. If the news is not good, your teen may need some support and time to grieve, and they will likely be watching your reaction as well. As a parent, consider going to a separate room from your teen after hearing the news, so you can celebrate or grieve alone and have a few moments to regulate your emotions.”
“Remind teens that where they go matters less than what they do when they get there. Research supports that engagement in college is more important than where a student goes. While picking a college can feel like a monumental decision, we encourage teens (and parents) to realize that this one choice is not going to make or break their chances for future success.
A New Nickname
Perhaps we need to reframe the paradigm of parenting. A sidecar seems to be a more appropriate metaphor for where we ought to be as parents—not plowing, tugging, dozing, or hovering—but along for the ride and certainly not driving. We can point out potential hazards on the road and offer our guidance, but in the end, where our children choose to steer is up to them.
Excerpted from “Handling College Admission Decisions: A Sidecar Parent’s Guide” in Forbes Magazine. Read the full article online for more expert advice.
Source: Forbes Magazine | Handling College Admission Decisions: A Sidecar Parent’s Guide, https://www.forbes.com/sites/brennanbarnard/2021/12/03/handling-college-admission-decisions-a-sidecar-parents-guide/?sh=71468640ff7a | © 2022 Forbes Media LLC
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