If you and your partner are separating or divorcing, your teen might be feeling all kinds of things—just like you. Strong or mixed feelings are normal.
Your teen might feel:
- confused or even shocked because they didn’t see it coming
- sad and anxious because they don’t know what will happen next
- concerned or guilty if they think they’ve caused or added to your problems
- worried about missing or losing contact with one or both of you
- resentful or overwhelmed if they think they need to support one or both of you
- relieved because they don’t want contact with one of you or there has been conflict or violence
- relaxed and happy because it feels like a fresh start for everyone.
Your teen might have practical concerns too. For example, they might worry about:
- where they’ll live
- whether they’ll have to leave the family home and move away from friends and school
- whether they’ll have 2 homes – one with one parent, one with the other.
All teens take time to adjust and work through their feelings and concerns.
Helping teenagers through separation and divorce
Explaining the situation
It can help if your teen understands why you and your partner are separating. If possible, make sure you’re both there when you tell your teen about the separation.
Your teen needs to know that it’s not their fault – it’s a grown-up decision about your relationship. And if you can explain things without laying blame, your teen is less likely to feel that they have to take sides or choose between you.
Listening and letting your teen talk
Allow your teen to express their feelings. This could be when you first talk or later on, when they’ve had a chance to think things over. When your teen is ready to talk, active listening can help you work out how best to comfort them.
If your teen finds it difficult to talk to you about the separation, they might be able to talk with another trusted adult or counselor.
Reassuring your teen
Some teenagers might feel caught between their separating parents. Others might also worry that they need to look after one or both of you or their brothers or sisters.
Your teen needs your reassurance that they don’t need to look after or be responsible for anyone else. Let your teen know that if family members need help, they’ll get it for themselves, or from you and your teen’s other parent.
Protecting your teen from conflict
It isn’t good for your teen’s well being to be exposed to animosity and ongoing conflict between you and your teen’s other parent.
Avoid talking to your teen about difficulties with the separation or making negative comments about your teen’s other parent.
Sticking with routines
If it’s possible for your teen to keep their daily routine, stay in the same house or neighborhood, go to the same school and keep doing normal things like sport, it’ll make it easier for them to cope with the change in your family.
Signs that teenagers are struggling with separation or divorce
Your teen might not be able to say they’re struggling. But changes in your teen’s behavior, health, mood or personality might tell you they’re not coping with the transition. For example, your teen might:
- get angry, upset or tearful more than usual
- refuse to cooperate with family routines
- avoid family members, shut themselves in their room or spend more time online
- have problems at school or with schoolwork
- have sleep problems or eating problems like binge eating or loss of appetite
- lose interest in activities they usually enjoy
- have problems with friends or peers
- take risks like challenging school rules, not letting you know where they are, shoplifting or experimenting with alcohol or other drug use.
It can be hard to know whether difficult behavior is typical teenage behavior or a sign that your teen is struggling with the separation. It could be a combination of both. Try not to jump to conclusions about what’s causing the behavior and be ready to listen, support and seek help.
Excerpted from “Separation or divorce: helping teenagers adjust” from the Australian parenting website, raisingchildren.net.au. Read the source article online.
Source: Raising Children Network | Separation or divorce: helping teenagers adjust, https://raisingchildren.net.au/grown-ups/family-diversity/parenting-after-separation-divorce/helping-teens-adjust-separation | © 2006-2024 Raising Children Network (Australia) Limited
