In our work with teenagers, we’ve learned that teens respond better to adults who choose to be companions on the grief journey rather than direct it. We have also discovered that adult companions need to be aware of their own grief issues and journeys because their experiences and beliefs impact the way they relate to teens.
Six basic principles of teen grief
Grieving is the teen’s natural reaction to a death.
Grief is a natural reaction to death and other losses. However, grieving does not feel natural because it may be difficult to control the emotions, thoughts, or physical feelings associated with a death. The sense of being out of control that is often a part of grief may overwhelm or frighten some teens. Helping teens accept the reality that they are grievers allows them to do their grief work and to progress in their grief journey.
Each teen’s grieving experience is unique.
Teens grieve for different lengths of time and express a wide spectrum of emotions. Grief is best understood as a process in which bodily sensations, emotions, thoughts, and behaviors surface in response to the death, its circumstances, the past relationship with the deceased and the realization of the future without the person. For example, sadness and crying may be an expression of grief for one teen, while another may respond with humor and laughter.
Adults can best assist grieving teenagers by accompanying them on their journey in the role of listener and learner, and by allowing the teen to function as a teacher.
There are no “right” and “wrong” ways to grieve.
Sometimes adults express strong opinions about “right” or “wrong” ways to grieve. But there is no correct way to grieve. Coping with a death does not follow a simple pattern or set of rules nor is it a course to be evaluated or graded.
There are, however, “helpful” and “unhelpful” choices and behaviors associated with the grieving process. Some behaviors are constructive and encourage facing grief, such as talking with trusted friends, journaling, creating art, and expressing emotion rather than holding it inside. Other grief responses are destructive and may cause long-term complications and consequences. For example, some teens attempt to escape their pain through many of the same escape routes adults choose: alcohol and substance abuse, reckless sexual activity, antisocial behaviors, withdrawal from social activities, excessive sleeping, high risk-taking behaviors, and other methods that temporarily numb the pain of their loss.
Every death is unique and is experienced differently.
The way teens grieve differs according to personality and the particular relationship they had with the deceased. They typically react in different ways to the death of a parent, sibling, grandparent, child, or friend. For many teens, peer relationships are primary. The death or loss of a boyfriend or girlfriend may seem to affect them more than the death of a sibling or grandparent.
Each person’s responses to death should be honored as his or her way of coping in that moment. Keep in mind that responses may change from day to day or even from hour to hour.
The grieving process is influenced by many issues.
The impact of a death on a teen relates to a combination of factors including:
- Social support systems available for the teen (family, friends and/or community)
- Circumstances of the death – how, where and when the person died
- The nature of the relationship with the person who died – harmonious, abusive, conflictual, unfinished, communicative
- The emotional and developmental age of the teen
- The teen’s previous experiences with death
Grief is ongoing.
Grief never ends, but it does change in character and intensity. Many grievers have compared their grieving to the constantly shifting tides of the ocean; ranging from calm, low tides to raging high tides that change with the seasons and the years.
This material was adapted from Helping Teens Cope with Death by Dougy Center. Dougy Center provides support in a safe place where children, teens, young adults, and families who are grieving can share their experiences before and after a death. Read the full article online for additional details.
If you or your teen would like additional support, please reach out to a CHC Care Coordinator to set up a free 30-minute consultation.
Source: The Dougy Center | How to Help a Grieving Teen, https://www.dougy.org/resource-articles/how-to-help-a-grieving-teen | © 2024 The Dougy Center
