Typically, teens leave the nest for college or a job and set up their own household, gradually becoming more skilled at managing finances, healthcare, academics, employment, relationships and transportation; in other words, they build their own lives as adults.
Young adults are more likely to live at home during or after college, sometimes even bringing a partner or grandkids with them. In fact, about half of young adults age 18 to 30 live with parents for at least a couple years.
Living with a young adult can work for both parties by following some basic guidelines:
- Approach the experience as something to build together with respect and choice.
- Make clear any non-negotiable rules or values before the young adult returns home.
- Be ready to compromise. The “you live under my roof, you play by my rules” approach may not lead to a peaceful co-existence.
- Treat them like adults. Young adults have grown up, completed school and are legally responsible for themselves, and they will expect some autonomy.
Renegotiating Your Role as Parent
With a positive attitude and acceptance of your young adult as an adult and potential friend, you have the chance to build the house rules and negotiate consequences for breaking those rules again (assuming your teen had some input earlier in their life).
Start with house basics:
- When does everyone sleep?
- Who does each chore, including laundry, grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning?
- Who pays the monthly bills?
- Who hands car insurance, car maintenance and filling the car with gas?
- How are big things discussed and agreed on, such as who owns which furniture and whether walls can be painted?
- How will you handle visits from friends, including whether friends (of both sexes) can spend the night or hang out and watch TV or use the BBQ on weekends?
Prepare your own attitudes and approaches as the new living arrangement begins:
- Assume that everything is negotiable. Take deep breaths.
- Try to put yourself in their shoes. Acknowledge that the young adult may be a little wary of moving home, and try to understand what they hope to accomplish.
- Rules should be realistic and tied to the young adult’s income, employment status and student loans. It would be unfair to charge an unemployed person full rent, but you can give them 60 days to find a job and let them know the rent will be a certain percentage of their net pay, or that there’s no rent if they pay a certain amount on student loans each month.
- Plan a time after a month or so to talk about how the new living situation is going, renegotiate what isn’t working or change it based on a new job, raise or relationship status.
Here are some tips to help you live through this part of parenting:
- Do not “fix” their problems. Ask what they’ve done to resolve a problem, point them in the right direction and support their attempts to solve it on their own.
- Avoid reactive parenting by thinking ahead. For example, help them learn about managing money by developing a spending plan (aka budget). Open an account and transfer the agreed-upon amount into it on the first of every month.
- Say “no” to any further requests for money, unless it’s truly an emergency.
- In advance, talk about things that will annoy you. If you get angry, talk about why.
Remember, they are learning to be adults. It’s easy for everyone to fall into old patterns, and they may take resources and support for granted. Everyone will adjust.
Excerpted from “Being a Parent to a Young Adult” from Sutter Health. Read the full post online.
Source: Sutter Health | Being a Parent to a Young Adult, https://www.sutterhealth.org/health/young-adults/relationships-social-skills/parenting-a-young-adult | Copyright © 2023 Sutter Health.
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