As a parent, it’s crucial for you to have age-appropriate expectations for tolerating frustration. Children’s abilities develop over time, and younger children are likely to struggle more with frustration than older children.
Learning Emotional Intelligence
Alyssa Bowman, a mental health counselor with Banner Health, explained that through age 5, children are quickly learning emotional intelligence: “This is a prime time to help a child learn about their emotions and develop tools to handle strong emotions,” she said.
Younger children also tend to show their feelings and difficulty with frustration in the way they behave and play. They learn about frustration tolerance by watching others and experiencing frustration themselves.
You want to expose children to frustration gradually. You can create age-appropriate challenges that cause frustration, but that your child can overcome with effort and perseverance. That way, they can build resilience and tolerance over time.
Exposure to frustration can help
“Repeated, safe exposure to frustration triggers is the best way to build tolerance to frustration,” Bowman said.
You want to expose children to frustration gradually. You can create age-appropriate challenges that cause frustration, but that your child can overcome with effort and perseverance. That way, they can build resilience and tolerance over time.
Strategies to try
Here are some techniques you can use to help your child build frustration tolerance:
- Teach problem-solving skills that children can use when they’re facing frustrating situations. They can learn to identify the problem, brainstorm possible solutions, evaluate the pros and cons and choose the best course of action.
- Help them learn to recognize and label their emotions: Encourage your child to talk about their emotions and give them a safe space to express their feelings without judgment.
- Encourage a growth mindset: A growth mindset is a powerful tool for developing frustration tolerance. Children can learn that setbacks and failures are opportunities for growth and learning, and that challenges can be stepping stones rather than insurmountable obstacles.
- Celebrate effort: Acknowledge your child’s progress and resilience in managing frustration. Be specific and genuine in praising your child’s perseverance, problem-solving skills and ability to bounce back from setbacks.
- Create a supportive environment: Children need a nurturing environment in order to build frustration tolerance. You can help by providing open communication, reassurance and opportunities for shared experiences and learning.
Is your child struggling with learning or behavioral outbursts? Check out our podcast to learn more about having your child evaluated. An evaluation is a tool that provides actionable information and practical insights on strengths and weaknesses so your child can thrive.
What to expect at different ages and stages
Here’s what you’re likely to see in different age groups:
- Toddlers (ages 1 to 3) are developing their emotional regulation skills. They may not have the language to express their frustration, so they might have tantrums or meltdowns.
- Preschoolers (ages 3 to 5) are better able to verbally communicate their frustrations. It can still be hard for them to manage intense emotions, but they can start to learn coping strategies.
- Early elementary school-age children (ages 6 to 8) develop more self-control and problem-solving skills. They start to understand delayed gratification and can more constructively cope with frustration.
- Late elementary school-age children (ages 9 to 12) can reason more effectively, but academic and social challenges can add to their frustration.
- Adolescents (age 13 and older) face unique challenges with frustration since they deal with issues of identity, independence and peer relationships. They might be frustrated with academics or conflicts with friends or family.
If you don’t think your child is responding to frustration in an age-appropriate way or isn’t able to use coping strategies, talk to a mental health professional about your concerns.
How to be a good role model
Children watch how you handle frustration and learn emotional regulation by observing your behavior. Being honest with your feelings and showing how you use coping strategies in the moment helps a child understand frustration tolerance.
Excerpted from “How to Help Your Child Learn Healthy Ways to Tolerate Frustration” from Banner Health. Read the full post for additional details and strategies for helping your child build frustration tolerance at different ages and stages.
