You think you’ve picked up some clues that your child is questioning their gender, but what’s the next step? Should you approach them? Wait for them to come to you?
Do Give Kids Some Credit
If you’ve ever thought (or been told) that your child is too young to know anything about gender, think again.
Think about it: Nobody bats an eye when young children engage in activities or other forms of expression that are stereotypically associated with the sex they were assigned at birth. If your little boy loves soccer, nobody exclaims, “He’s too young to know that!” If your little boy wants to paint his nails, though, you might hear pushback from people who believe kids can’t possibly have the capacity for gender expression. And that’s just not true.
Do brush up on terms and concepts
Sex assigned at birth is largely about anatomy. When a baby is born, a doctor proclaims them to be a boy or a girl, but as they grow up, a child’s gender identity may or may not align with the sex they were assigned at birth.
Gender identity, however, is who you are inside — your internal sense of your gender.
Gender expression is your public expression of gender, like the clothes and accessories you wear, your body language and even your interests and activities.
Don’t confuse gender expression with gender identity
Kids are in the exploratory stage of life, just figuring out who they are and what they like. That is true when it comes to gender expression, too — but it’s important not to confuse gender expression with gender identity.
“Sometimes, we conflate a kid’s gender identity on the inside with their gender expression on the outside,” child and adolescent psychiatrist Jason Lambrese, MD says, “and those aren’t always the same thing.”
“Some children who show gender nonconforming behaviors grow up to be transgender, and some don’t,” he adds.
If you’ve ever thought (or been told) that your child is too young to know anything about gender, think again.
Do create an environment of acceptance
When your child hears you speaking openly and positively about a variety of gender identities and sexual orientations, they’re more likely to perceive you as being supportive and accepting of their gender identity and sexual orientation.
Do help kids understand what’s possible
You can foster kids’ exploration and understanding of gender expression by introducing them to a variety of options and letting them choose what they want. This shows them that they can make choices that fall outside the gender binary.
“We tend to subconsciously gender kids by pushing them in a certain direction, like toward stereotypically ‘boy things’ or ‘girl things,’” Dr. Lambrese notes. “Instead, when you go to the store together to buy a new toy, you could say, ‘Hey, do you want to look in the truck aisle or in the doll aisle? Or we could look at both!’”
If you are a parent or caregiver who’s interested in learning more about gender diversity, check out our podcast to learn how to support your child’s natural gender exploration.
Do seize opportunities for conversation and education
Let’s go back to that toy store example and imagine that, when given the choice, your son picks out a doll.
“Next time he’s playing with it, you might say, ‘Boys can play with dolls if they want, and that’s OK. But some boys who play with dolls actually feel like girls, and that’s OK, too,’” Dr. Lambrese suggests. “You can tell them, ‘If that’s something you ever feel like you want to talk about, we can do that.’”
Don’t call it a phase!
Gender expression and gender identity are two different concepts, and kids are in the midst of determining both.
“Part of being an adolescent is trying on your identity, and identity development is a totally normal developmental stage,” Dr. Lambrese states.
Do use the right names and pronouns
Using the language that your child requests for themselves — whether it’s a new name or different gender pronouns — is an important demonstration of your support.
Ask your child if they’re comfortable with other people knowing about their new name and pronouns. The last thing you want is to accidentally out them to anyone they don’t want to share the news with yet.
Do express your continued love and support
Letting your child know you love them unconditionally gives them the green light to be open with you about their gender identity — and anything else in life.
Excerpted from “How To Support Your Child as They Explore Their Gender Identity” from the Cleveland Clinic. Read the full article online for additional details.
