Every parent wants their child to be successful in life. But young people sometimes set excessively high standards for themselves. If something they do isn’t flawless, they may become overly self-critical. Their pursuit of perfection can become unhealthy and actually interfere with what they want to accomplish.
As adolescents face the challenges of growing up, we can prepare them to be high achievers rather than perfectionists. Here’s why that’s a better approach to success and tips that can help.
The problem with perfectionism
Unhealthy or “maladaptive” perfectionism is associated with a host of physical and mental health challenges among teens, such as:
- obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
- eating disorders
- anxiety and depression
- suicidal thoughts
Healthy high achievers enjoy the process and excitement as they work their hardest. They see mistakes as opportunities for growth and failures as temporary setbacks.
High achievement versus perfectionism
Perfectionism can also interfere with a teen’s future success. A perfectionist’s fear of failure may be greater than the joy of success. They may see mistakes and constructive criticism as proof that they’re unworthy. Praise from others may raise suspicion because they feel like imposters, whose faults remain undiscovered.
The thought of not doing well may prevent them from thinking outside the box, limiting their creative and innovative potential. Fear of failure may cause them to avoid a task entirely or go out of their way to seem indifferent about it.
In contrast, healthy high achievers aren’t satisfied until they’ve done their best and prove resilient when they fall short of perfection. Healthy high achievers enjoy the process and excitement as they work their hardest. They see mistakes as opportunities for growth and failures as temporary setbacks. They value constructive criticism as informative, look for creative solutions and are willing to take healthy risks.
5 ways to help your child avoid unhealthy perfectionism
Here are some ways you can help your child or teen avoid or overcome the negative effects of perfectionism.
Give effective praise & criticism
Grow a growth mindset. Research shows how praise and criticism can lead to a “fixed mindset,” rather than a healthier “growth mindset.”
Young people with a growth mindset believe their intelligence can be developed with effort. When they don’t do something as well as they hoped, they don’t see themselves as failures, but as learners.
Value balance, self-care & opportunities for self-discovery.
Talk about the costs of perfectionism on emotional and physical health. You can discuss that just because you can, doesn’t mean that you always should. Help your child work toward the balance in managing the tasks of daily life.
Check out our podcast to find out how you can help your teen foster a healthy balance between academic success and personal well-being.
Express unconditional acceptance
High expectations should not focus on grades or performance, but rather effort, integrity, generosity, empathy and other core values.
Define success & recognize realistic heroes
Point out the real heroes all around us—those who choose to teach and heal, as well as those who choose to protect us and serve our communities and nation. Point out acts of kindness they witness among neighbors, friends and family When children see realistic heroes and hear positive messages about the actions of real, accessible people, they learn a broader definition of success within which they, too, can feel valued.
Ask your teen never to “spare” you from their feelings
Teens notice when parents are stressed and may not want to add to your worries with their concerns. Children and teens whose parents experience trauma, illness or divorce/separation, for example, may try to be “perfect” children. They may keep their own anxieties and struggles as tightly held secrets by always showing you their best face. Confiding in them about being overwhelmed or adult problems can make this worse.
Excerpted from “Perfectionism: How to Help Your Child Avoid the Pitfalls” from healthychildren.org. Read the full article online.
Source: healthychildren.org | Perfectionism: How to Help Your Child Avoid the Pitfalls, https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/young-adult/Pages/What-Fuels-Perfectionism.aspx | Copyright © 2023 American Academy of Pediatrics Committee on Adolescence
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